Love is…. Not Self-Seeking

1Corinthians 13:5 “... it is not self-seeking…” (NIV) 

So this one hit me hard today because I felt like I was the type of person who always considered others, their needs, and their feelings. I was not selfish nor was I self-seeking in my relationships, I tried to be a good listener and to make others feel special and seen. And because I saw myself this way, I glossed over this scripture.  For years I just bunched this descriptor with the long list of “marriage vows” in this passage, like the things I would worry about once I got married and faced the “marriage is hard” part of my life.  However, for some reason, in my prayer time today, I felt the tug to reflect a bit more.  

As I meditated, I felt challenged like, “Rachel, your love is not as selfless as you think it is.” And of course as you may understand I was offended.  I was upset by this and I even felt like “what more do you want from me God? I am always the one loving with my arms outstretched, giving my last dollar!”

Now before you judge me, ask yourself:

Do you ever feel like you are doing all the “heavy lifting” in your relationships? 

Do you feel like they don’t deserve you and all the love you give? 

Do you feel like they don’t see all that you put into the relationship?

Then you might be more like me than you realize. Your love may be more “self-seeking” than you think.  

As I reflected, I began to realize how often I felt frustrated and disappointed in circumstances where I felt like love and acknowledgement weren’t being reciprocated. More often than I’d like to admit, I felt slighted. Somehow it always circled back to me. 

I failed. 

I am not appreciated. 

I deserve better. 

No one understands me. 

No one sees all the hard work I do. 

No one would know that I battled with these thoughts. I hid those feelings because I knew they were not “Biblical,” and I knew how to hide. I couldn’t put my finger on why I felt this way, but I knew there was something wrong because there was this void inside that left me longing to be seen. There was a lack that I was trying to control and fill with my own efforts.  I wrestled with trusting God to really balance out this “love thing,” and I honestly doubted that God’s love would be enough for me. 

I am embarrassed to admit this. I know that it makes me look shallow and fake, but there are layers to this! I did love with sincerity, I wasn’t intentionally manipulative. Yet, there was a basic foundation that I had overlooked and it can be found in this tiny portion of scripture, four words to articulate one characteristic of love:

 “it is not self-seeking.” 

Paul, as he writes to the church in Corinth, is attempting not only to communicate with the people how they are to love one another and handle the trials that they were facing amidst a tumultuous church-plant, he was also sharing a deeper revelation of God’s love that was being missed in their church community. Despite popular belief, his scripture is not exclusively dedicated to the romance of marriage or familial love, it is a defining characteristic of God’s Love. 

God’s love is not self-seeking. God does not offer his love to us with conditions of reciprocation. He loves us even if we chose to never love Him back. We should not confuse the other benefits of our walk with God with this foundational truth. While the gift of salvation requires faith and the other gifts of favor and prosperity require things like obedience and discipline, love is not like that. Love is freely given. It is confirmed throughout scripture: “God so loved the world” ( John 3:16), “He first loved us” (1 John 4:19), and so many more. 

His love is not given so that we can promise to love him back, so that we can glorify him, and so he would have the benefits of using our talents for the ministry. It is not a transactional love. It is truly a free gift. I may choose to serve him; I may choose to use my gifts for ministry; my life may glorify Him. Yet, this love is not offered contractually. He does not offer the love to trigger a reciprocal action that will stroke His ego. 

God is love. He does not need your love back to prove that He is God. He already is and always has been… He is holy. God offers his love for us with the most pure and holy intention. He loves us for Love’s sake. He loves us that we might be with Him, that we might accept Him and fellowship with Him… not just in a worship service, not just in our prayer closets, but for eternity. 

That is a kind of love that I am still striving to comprehend. That is a love that I am discovering, and it is honestly changing me.  My disappointment was rooted in the expectation for people to love me back. When you are expecting it, it is self-seeking. And when you don’t get it, it hurts and it is disappointing. Yet when we love like Jesus, the fulfillment comes from being loved by Him first. Interestingly, the love always does come back, but a shift in heart posture was what I needed to be able to continue to love. I can keep loving because His well of love never runs dry. 

I pray that this little revelation changes you for the better and that you have an encounter this week that highlights this for you. That we all may love a little more like He does. Loving and continuing to love others, expecting nothing in return. Knowing that our value and our worth is not defined by how others show us love, but truly by the fact that we are unconditionally loved by God!